I am now in a very very confused state. I have no idea what I have been chasing after all this time. I mean I do know what I chased after all this time but I just dont understand why I'm somehow not so into it anymore. From the beginning I acknowledged that this will somehow wear me down; the whole chase thingy. 1 can only love another person for as long as there is interaction (the very reason why its best you keep on talking to the girl as long as she wants to talk to you after a breakup if you're still into her). So to me, I would think that as long as you can understand that love is the chemistry of the brain, I wont fall prey to the physiological body circuit. Its been 2 years.  And although I do know that if she accepts me back I will still be willing to work it out, is true love really like that? I was played and although I forgave, I started to see why you wont feel the same after all this events. The phrase there are more fishes out there then starts to make sense. I mean you've gotta understand, I know all this things theoratically. And I'm a person who acts based on my understandings of the theory and knowledge. At times it sounds just like a game plan and although I know that its not games which I am playing, I cant 100% convince myself I'm not plotting anything either. How is this related to the problem? Well if love is a game, then after you lose all you have to do is wait to respawn back into the game then go give it another shot. This ultimately makes you hooked on into it. Love is no longer sacred which is something I believe in especially when you've found the 1 you truly love. I'm a person who doesnt fall in love at easily. I dont look at the cute hottie and give it a try and get into a relationship, in fact, I dont even wanna be involved at times! So for a girl to somehow come into my life and by fate make me fall from head to heels for her......I do know she is the 1 I love. But then again its my first relationship so I was naive and inexperience bout certain things. Reading back on the stuff I've wrote, it clear that I am naive back then. Anyways, the question at hand now is whether true love really ture love when its now no longer feeling like true love or is it just the lack of neurons in my brain due to infrequent firing of neuron cells? Or am I just having a complex?

just when i thought i am able to let things sail thru n work it out from there, i come to see that the obstacle ahead is really really big. And the best thing is that it appeared from no where. Like it popped out from empty space. Its really fucked up when you have the ability to understand a person really really well. Of course it would apply to cases where you wanna evaluate a person and to divide the good from the bad. But to use it against some1 you truly love, that was uncalled for.... Its so accurate at times(even though there is no hard evidence & just purely assumptions) but my gut instincts are very much tuned to a suspicious situation. So if some1 is lying poorly, then i'd pick it up straight away. And even if ur a pro in lying, as long as i find it suspicious, i will investigate even more......so imagine, how it feels......to love some1 so much, so much that ur willing to do anything. So much that u realize that the songs u heard portraying a suicidal person for love just suddenly makes so much sense. It shows how naive u really are but also how true this love really is. Then at the same time, u also realize why there is angst in certain hardcore songs. That they are not just screwed up individuals on this planet who had a rough time growing up n such. That anger is actually just a mechanism to not hurt urself; that its better to blame the other person just because that person is somehow involved regardless of how these negative thoughts started. And after understanding those 2 different elements of emotion, try imagining what happens when you combine both together........such contradiction , such differences between both emotions, and that it has to be stored inside and never to be let out because you dun wanna turn into what the society perceives as bad......then you start to wonder.....who r u? have u turned into an animal; 1 which is worst then werewolves cuz they at least can turn back normal the next morning, but you......there is no turning back. Ur left wit 2 options and u have to take 1 n neither are the options u'd wanna take. So wat do you do? You just turn broken.....You start abusing urself.....starts wit excessive smoking, then when the effect wears off, you start drinking. But you get drunk too easily, so you let ur life hang on the edge. But then you dun wanna kill urself....ur so confused cuz nothing can save you n nothing can change u n nothing can be done!

I love you so much. Even at the brink of falling apart, all i wanted to just know is the truth. And you wont tell cuz ur afraid of the outcomes n tat i might use it against you. Wat happened to all the promises we made. Do you really think it was all lies? Even when i told you tat i would do anything for ur happiness despite the forms it takes? Its not that ur not worth my time and its obvious that it hurt when u push me away. Cant you just at least understand me a little......that i had hopes n dreams for us n it was built thru relentless amount of sleepless nites from extensive amounts of research. i now wonder.....was i the 2nd choice from the beginning? just cuz u cant get the other......n somehow along the line you found out tat its not rite to do so. despite still having some feelings for me, you shut it down, even though u knew it could nv happen with him cuz he is not interested. I dunno......I'm sure time will change things. But with such personality, I wonder if things can be any simpler. If you can just take that 1 step, we can take the next few hundreds wit ease. But you dun c it tat way. Shud i label us then as 'not meant to be'? or shud i just give us time to restart things. Initially i was giving us time. But time doesnt really seem to be healing us. In fact it oni kills me day after day. But its still better then knowing tat ur gone.......my heart, its closes tighter then before. And i think its gonna be soon tat i lost faith on everything......n be truly broken